Betty Towler cares for her husband following two deployments to Iraq; the Military and Veteran Caregiver Network helped her do that by also helping her care for herself
Betty Towler, a mother of three and devoted caretaker of her veteran husband, found solace and support in the American Red Cross Military and Veteran Caregiver Network (MVCN). Her journey underscores the importance of mental health resources and community support for veterans and their caregivers.
Towler enlisted with the U.S. Army Reserves over 20 years ago. And after a one-year stint, she found herself wanting more, transitioning to active duty where she was first stationed at Fort Liberty (formerly Fort Bragg) and later Korea. It was here, she met a U.S. Army Sergeant First Class who would eventually become her husband.
When the pair returned stateside, Towler found she needed to make a professional sacrifice for the good of her family.
“I had to leave the military because my husband was deploying. We already had two kids and we had just gotten back from Korea. We didn’t want to subject the kids to another reacquainting with their momma again.”
Her husband deployed to Iraq in 2004 and when he returned the following year, Towler noticed changes.
“He was with us all the time when he came back from that first deployment. He wanted to hang out with his family, but then he was drinking [alcohol] and that wasn’t normal.”
Towler, as so many military spouses do, had her hands full, raising two children with another on the way. Then in 2008, her husband received permanent change of station orders, requiring the family to relocate to Germany. He deployed to Iraq for a second time, a month after they arrived.
“We all felt it when he came back the second time. He would be there, but he was not there. The TV would be on, but he wasn’t watching it.”
Towler recalled how their youngest daughter would sit at her father’s feet and wonder why he wasn’t hugging her.
“His mind was somewhere else,” Towler said. “We could be sitting on the couch and he’s on one end and I’m on the other and it’s like an awkward but a very scary silence. It was like a void. And I felt I could fall into this darkness and nobody was gonna come for me and nobody was gonna help me.”
Towler states she tried seeking help but found little support as a dependent overseas. They turned to religion but that didn’t bring her family the solace they were seeking either. Little had changed by the time the family returned stateside in 2011.
“Everything was just so overwhelming,” she said. “All the things people were telling us to do, all the appointments. It was all too much. Even visiting with family: he hears everybody being loud, laughing and his brain was like, I can’t do this. There are too many conversations going on at the same time. I love them but I can't be around them. It’s too chaotic, he said. He’d be down for 2-3 days trying to recover from just hanging out with other adults.”
Then in 2020 the COVID-19 pandemic occurred and the Towler family was largely unaffected. In fact, Towler sees it as a blessing. It gave them time to focus on their health.
“I signed up for a lot of webinars. And a lot of online courses,” she shared.
Of these resources was the Red Cross Military and Veteran Caregiver Network. MVCN is a secure, online community that acts as both a resource directory and peer support network to over 12,000 military-affiliated caregivers. Using evidence-based peer-support programs, caregivers connect, share knowledge, learn new skills and gain hope. Empowered by her newfound communities, Towler exercised her voice.
“We had to set boundaries. I was like, no, we need to tell them that we can only do two or three appointments in one week. It was too much. I had to learn to speak up, speak up for him and speak up for us.”
Now a Red Cross volunteer, Towler has been participating with the MVCN for the past five years, giving support to other military-affiliated caregivers going through the same challenges she did.
“We have about four calls a month. We’ll have some Zooms and some Slack chats just to really check in with the caregivers. I love how the older caregivers will share their experiences, like, here’s what we had to do, here’s the changes that happened in my house. Being part of this reminded me that I spent so much time caring for this one person, I forgot to make friends.”
When asked what advice she might offer other caregivers, she responded, “It’s taking it one day at a time and learning how to use that voice. Use that voice for what you need.”
Towler’s journey embodies resilience and compassion. It’s a powerful reminder of the impact of love and support in the healing process. The Red Cross honors her unwavering commitment and the vital role caregivers play in the lives of others.
About the American Red Cross:
The American Red Cross shelters, feeds and provides comfort to victims of disasters; supplies about 40% of the nation’s blood; teaches skills that save lives; distributes international humanitarian aid; and supports veterans, military members and their families. The Red Cross is a nonprofit organization that depends on volunteers and the generosity of the American public to deliver its mission. For more information, please visit redcross.org or CruzRojaAmericana.org, or follow us on social media.
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